Shaman King: Insanity!
by Frank S
Summary: Yoh wants to make the perfect omelet. at least that was the original storyline before I completely lost track of what I was doing. This makes no sense. If you're looking for a plot, don't look here. I've decided to make this a running series. chaps 3 and
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All you corporate people who would sue, me without those 5 words (six if you count the abbreviation) shut up. My job is not to waste paper by saying something no one ever reads, or cares about. My job is to piss you off by breaking that rule. 

By the way, this is the original type. I have not changed anything about it. It just helps to show that I really am nuts.

Yoh Asakura, the new Shaman King, stood proudly on his stand of importance. Yes. The stand of importance which signifies his reign as... The superior-being-in-charge-of-all-these-bitches! Yes, Yoh had accomplished more than any man could. He might as well be God. And what would Yoh do with his newfound power? Bring about world peace? Establish a community for those in need? No. What he had planned was bigger. Much, much bigger.

"I'm gonna make the perfect omelet! " Yoh shouted smiling triumphantly.

"Idiot." Ren muttered. "Who else would use the power of the Shaman King to make an omelet?"

"Well, I'm hungry."

"Yoh, you moron!" Anna yelled. You should be using your power to help others! Not make a damn breakfast!"

"Pleeeaaasse, Anna? I'll even dry clean your clothes!"

"Hmm... Add in an all day spa treatment, and you've got a deal."

"DONE!" Yoh shouted happily. He clapped, a boom was heard, and the magical spa fairies took Anna away to the land of comfort and relaxation.

"Wow. That was... strange." Horo looked up watching Anna disappear.

"And now, for my perfect omelet!" Yoh clapped his hands, but nothing happened. "What? What's wrong here!"

Ryu suddenly decided to speak up. "Perhaps the clap feature is broken!"

Yoh looked at Ren. Ren looked at Horo. All three of them nodded. And before Ryu could protest, Yoh clapped his hands and squirted him out of the universe like a watermelon seed. Everyone sighed happily. Except for Lyserg, who was shortly squirted after Ryu. He didn't mind. After all, Ryu would be waiting for him right?

"Where did you send them anyway?" Ren asked.

"Somewhere they can always be happy." Yoh replied.

Meanwhile in the universe of eternal disco...

"All right! Let's get down!" Ryu shouted. A disco light turned on, and everybody started discoing. Numerous girls swarmed upon Ryu, and proclaimed him the disco king.

Meanwhile, in the universe of fantasy...

"Lyserg was surrounded by Jeanne's, and Ryu's. Sighing contentedly, he opened his mouth, allowing a Ryu to drop grapes into it. He was holding two Jeanne's in his arms, and others were at his feet kissing them and worshipping him. They proclaimed him their King.

Meanwhile in the universe of Yoh...

"Disco universe... I never would have thought it existed..." Horo shrugged it off. "Now, back to discovering the reason why your magical shaman powers can't make an omelet..."

"Perhaps we need a female blood sacrifice..." Ren tapped his chin.

"Hah! You're so funny Ren!" Yoh cracked up laughing.

"I'm serious." Ren stared at him. "Horo, where's your sister?"

"WHAT! You'd kill my sister just to make a damn omelet!"

"The perfect omelet." Yoh reminded him.

"You mean you wouldn't like it if I killed her?" Ren smiled. "But she's so damn loud..."

"Point taken, but she's my sister and I say NO."

Ren ran off and returned with a gagged and bound Pirka. "Don't worry, sweet little Ainu. You will be donated to a worthy cause." He smiled happily.

"MMF! MMMF MMMMMMFFFF!" Pirka mumbled.

"I knew you'd agree." Ren raised a dagger above his head and started to mumble a Chinese prayer. He rose into the air and his eyes turned white. Lighting began to crackle, and demons from hell emerged from the ground. (Think exorcist with a twist)

"Uhmmm... Ren, I don't think we need a sacrifice." Yoh frowned, holding Horo back from trying to kill Ren. "You can let her go."

Ren stopped flying in the air, his eyes returned to normal, the lightning ceased, and all the demons were sent down to hell with Tao En, Hao, and those annoying rocking monks. "Damn." He untied Pirka and removed her gag.

"ASSHOLE!" Pirka slapped him, and Ren stared at her speechless.

"No one was ever brave enough to strike me before... I find it attractive..."

Pirka and Ren stared at each other for about 5 minutes, and then pounced upon one another.

"We could make out right now."

"Gasp! Here in the middle of the living room?"

"Why not? It's not like some other author hasn't made us have sex before!"

"I see your point. OK!" Gratuitous making out

"REN! GET OFF MY SISTER DAMMIT!" Horo was about to kill Ren, when Tamao returned from grocery shopping.

"Hello Yoh-sama. Hi Horo-Kun."

Horo, being jealous shouted, "Alright Ren! Two can play at this game!" He grabbed Tamao and started making out with her.

"EEEK! Horo Kun! What are you doing!" Quickly, she became like she always does in Horo/Tamao fics, and started making out even more than Horo would've imagined.

Yoh meanwhile, simply scratched his head and hmmed. "Tamao! Do you have any eggs, cheese, and other various items needed to make an omelet!"

Inbetween having her face sucked off by Horo, Tamao managed to mumble, "Yes...Right in the.. OH! HORO! Right in the bottom left corner of the bag!"

"Thanks Tamao!"

"H-Hai." Was all Tamao got out before she got smothered by Horo. All four of the making out shamans crashed into one another in a heap and ended up mixing up partners repeatedly. (For those wondering, I'm attempting to get every possible shaman king couple that could be made using these four in this scene.)

First, Tamao ended up with Ren, and Horo ended up with... Pirka!

"What the hell! This isn't right!" Ren shouted. "SWITCH!" another fluster of bodies went by.

Now, Pirka and Tamao were making out, and Ren and Horo were making out.

"YAK! HACK! OH MY GOD! SWITCH!" Horo screamed.

Now, all of them seemed to be in a non-sexual making out orgy. Horo, Tamao, Ren, Pirka, and... wait...

"FAUST! What the hell are you doing in here!" Pirka shouted at the strangely placed German necromancer.

"I like orgies. And so does Eliza. Don't you Eliza?" Eliza nodded.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! PONCHI! CONCHI! ATTACK!" Tamao screamed, siccing her two spirits upon him.

Faust ran into a corner and began making out with his skeleton. Everyone just stared, trying to ignore the scene. Finally, they decided they were too hot and sweaty to make out anymore.

"Group bath?" Horo suggested.

"That would mean getting naked in front of your sister and Ren though!" Tamao noticed.

"So?" Horo asked.

Everybody backed away.

BACK TO YOH WE GO! Hey, that rhymes! (Starts singing) Yoh we go, oh Yoh we go. Yoh we go, oh Yoh we go. AHHHH! (gets attacked by the P.A.B.S 'Persons Against Bad Singing') Anyway, Yoh had managed to produce his master omelet, but something was missing... Something important... It wasn't human sacrifices... it wasn't oranges... So what was it? Yoh sat for a while before it finally dawned upon him! "I know what I need!" Yoh grinned happily. "I NEED SOMETHING TO COOK THIS WITH!" Yoh decided to call Hao's spirit of Flame upon the omelet.

"SPIRIT OF FLAME! I SUMMON YOU!"

Everything within a five-mile radius was burnt to a crisp.

Miraculously unharmed, Yoh thanked the spirit. "Thanks spirit of Flame!" The omelet, also miraculously unharmed was enjoyed by Yoh.

Fin

Epilogue

Ryu, who had inexplicably returned from the universe of disco was extremely hot and sweaty and decided to take a bath. He opened the door to find Horo, Ren, Pirka, and Tamao all in the bathtub cleaning each other off. "Oh...my...god..." Ryu stared at them. "IT'S LIKE A LEMON LOVERS DREAM COME TRUE!" Anna decided to choose this time to return, and beat the living shit out of Ryu. Afterwards, she and Yoh went to a cliff side estate, and had awesome Shamanic sex.

So did Ren, Pirka, Horo, and Tamao.

Lyserg had sex with the Jeanne's, popped himself up on drugs, and had sex with the Ryu's. He then developed aids, and died shortly after. (Sorry Lyserg fans.)

Ryu, never able to get anything during his time with the disco universe ladies, resorted to reading Lemons that were based off of all heterosexual SK couples on developed a rare disease caused by making out with skeletons, cured himself, and repeated this process until Yoh finally revived Eliza.

En, Hao, The Rocking monks, and all the Demons got involved in a bondage club, and did special shows for Satan every Thursday.

Jun, those three chicks from shaman king chapter 61, Ran, The Patch Tribe, and all other Shaman King characters decided to form a revolt against idiots like me, who threaten the peace and tranquillity of their comic.

I sat back and laughed at how fucking stupid I must be to have written this while not being drunk, or on any form of drugs or medication. I really must be insane.

Fin. Again.

AUTHORS NOTES

Yes. I hoped you found this as ridiculous and insane as I did. It began production at 11:35 PM, and ended production at 12:13 AM. Everything is welcome. Comments, questions, suggestions, flames, everything. I shall await your responses. (But... what I DO with the flames is completely different) If I feel like it, I might make another ridiculous story like this... Is this even considered a story? Oh well. Enjoy your day, and if it's evening where you are, get some fucking sleep! Staying up this late might make you write something like this! Don't do drugs, and stay in school! Or don't. I could care less what someone I don't know does.

Notice: Although the author seems like he may be drunk, on speed, or any other form of drug, he assures you it's purely for medical reason. He also assures anyone offended, upset, or angered by this fic, that their complaints will be fed to his dog, shitted out in the backyard, and then eaten again by his dog, thus starting a never ending process that proves, once and for all, flames are worth SHIT.

Disclaimer: For those who actually took the time to read this far without taking my disclaimer threat seriously, congratulations you've earned it. Here it is in big bold letters in Bookman old style font (Which I don't own by the way.) Those five special words...

I DON'T OWN SHAMAN KING!  
(fuckers)


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own shaman king blah blah blah etc. etc. shut he hell up you stupid bastards.

Yep, I'm continuing my insanity fics! This one is based on Tao Ren. The one, the only, murderous, pointy haired shaman!

Ren Tao was bored. he was beyond bored. He had already commited two homicides, 3 mass murders, and he had lost track of how many animals he had killed that represented all things cute and furry. "I am so bored." He stated. He could have gone off and had awesome shamanic sex with Pirka, but she was out shopping, and that would be improper. Suddenly, like a drunk driver on a rainy day, it struck him. His head shot up as though he had just shit himself, and with the mad stare of a deformed child on crack, he uttered 3 words. "I-want-pie."

Yoh, who was busy watching Bowling for Bananas, looked up. "What was that Ren?"

Ren looked over at him drooling. "I want pie!"

"Ren, we have no pie." Yoh smiled. "We're in Japan, there's no pie here."

"I know you've got pie!" Ren shouted, pointing a very accusing finger at the confused shaman king. "You keep it hidden away in the secret pie vault in the back of the inn!" Ren was now twitching like a madman with a hernia. "Give me the pie you goddam pie hording squirrel!"

Yoh was now freaking out, and a wet spot began to form on his shorts as he let out a little "meep"

Ren, still hallucinating, mistook Yoh as a pie. "PIE! I knew you'd come back to me!" Ren let out a happy sob as the pie beckoned for him.

"Come to me Ren." The pie said in a dreamy voice. "We can make beautiful pastry together. Our love will be endless, and we can live together in harmony forever!"

Ren blinked. "Fuck that! I just wanna eat you!" He pounced upon the "pie" and began to eat it. Unbeknownst to him, he was eating Yoh.

Yoh screamed as Ren punctured his Jugular and blood began to squirt all over the walls.

"Mmmmmm... cherry filling!" Ren moaned happily as he continued to eat Yoh's brains.

At that time, Ryu showed up signaling his utter demise. "Hola Ren. I was just- OH SWEET MERCIFUL GOD!" Ryu came into a scene that looked like something out of resident evil. the only difference was that Ren wasn't a zombie, and Yoh certainley wasn't helpless, and unlike the resident evil heroes, Ryu had shit himself.

Ren opened his mouth, blood dripping out of it and walked towards Ryu. He opened his mouth wide and snapped down inches away from Ryu's face, causing the stench of Ryu's pants to worsen. Fortunately, Ryu had enough common sense to run away. Unfortunately, Ren was faster than Ryu. Much MUCH faster. Need I say more?

By this point, Ren was full and he fell asleep. Anna, Pirka, Horo, Tamao, and Faust had returned from running their errands.

"Guten Tag, Ren. We are home and-OH SWEET MERCIFUL HADES!" Faust screamed as he took notice of the carnage.

"Wow." that was all Anna had to say, at least until she realized Ryu wasn't the only one who was dead. "OH MY GOD, YOH! HOW WILL I LIVE ON WITHOUT MY FIANCE BY MY SIDE!"

Tamao walked up to comfort her. "I'm very sorry lady Anna..."

"It's fine. I'm over it now. I can just move on and marry another lazy ass with unbelievable power." Tamao just stared at her.

Pirka, being a complete airhead, walked over to the sleeping Ren and poked him. "wakey wakey!" She smiled, not realizing that he was the one who caused this mass of destruction and mayhem.

At this point, everything suddenly exploded, destroying all lifeforms on the planet. why? Because I have writers block, thank you very much. Ren just isn't a good main character in an insanity fic, because he's too damn serious in the show. Better luck to me next time!

Do me a favor, in your reviews, tell me who you want to be the next main character in an insanity chapter. I will then proceed to place the names in a hat, and draw the random character. (I'm not kidding.) Goodnight to you all.


	3. Chapter 3

I have returned after months of waiting and anticipation. (I bet.) at any rate, it is now 10:40 at night, I am chewing a piece of gum which has as much energy as a 4 oz. Energy drink. This should be veeeeery interesting. Now let us, once again, continue with the insanity! Oh yeah, I don't own Shaman King.

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Once upon a hot as hell summer day, Amidamaru, the samurai ghost was hanging with his "homie-gees" in the graveyard. Suddenly, his master Yoh beckoned him. As we all know that samurais must go where they are called, Amidamaru rushed to his lords side.

"Lord Yoh, how may I be of assistance? I am your humble servant for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever, and ever"  
(2 hours later)  
"and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever, and ever, and ever and ever and ever and EVER!" Amidamaru exclaimed happily.

"That's great!" came Yohs cheery reply despite the fact that he had just wasted 2 hours of his life listening to a samurai ghost say, "and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever, and ever, and ever and ever and ever." I'm really really tired and hot right now after spending two hours of my time listening to you ramble on. Could you go get me a grape soda, the drink of wanna-be gangsters everywhere?"

"Of course, Lord Yoh! I stake my honor upon this mission!" Amidamaru exclaimed as his eyes burned with the fire of a thousand suns as he flew away. "MY HONORRRR!"

"Crazy fucktard." Yoh sighed and went to the bathroom.

Amidamaru was confident. He could do this. This was an easy task. It was just a can of Grape Soda. A material can of Grape Soda. A material can of Grape Soda which ghosts could not touch and….. Oh shit.

"It appears this task may be tougher than I thought." Amidamaru sighed. He pondered the options. One: he could ask one of the local shamans to help. "No! I staked my honor upon this task, and it would be shameful for me to ask another to accomplish it for me!" Two: He could possess someone and use their body to do the job. "This idea sounds much better! I shall find a worthy vessel, and possess them!" And so, Amidamaru set off to take over a human.

Luck just did not seem to be on Amidamaru's side today. Every human he possessed ended up dead. First, their was the drunk who didn't have enough willpower to be possessed for more than 2 minutes. He fell in front of the subway train Amidamaru was planning to ride back to the inn while it was arriving, and was run over. The second man was a cultist who was possessed by Satan. Amidamaru and Satan duked it out in a fight for survival. The fight was tied until Amidamaru convinved the devil to sit down to a cup of tea. After exchanging cell numbers and agreeing to play cards on Tuesday, Amidamaru kicked the devil in the nuts. The inbalance of energy caused the human to explode, and the two ghost/demons went their separate ways. The third man was a gigolo, and Amidamaru didn't like that at all. He made the man commit hara-kiri.

After 5 hours of attempts, Amidamaru was forced to concede defeat. He fell to pieces and swore that he would never wield his sword again. This was a vow he could not take back without losing his purity. He then returned to his Lord with a heavy heart and told his tale of woe.

"THAT'S where you were? That's funny, cuz I remembered ghosts can't touch material items, and went and got a grape soda myself. And then I threw this AWESOME shamanic party. I couldn't find you, so you missed out on all the fun. All the girls were drunk, and most of them were running around without their shirts on except for Jun. She was just butt-ass naked! Oh, yeah, and Mosuke showed up and since you weren't there he cursed you and vowed never to be your friend again! I can't believed you missed it! But I'm sure you don't care, right?" said Yoh.

That day, Amidamaru, the samurai who vowed to never wield a sword again, brutally murdered his Lord, and all inhabitants of earth. He's coming for me next, I know it. I have to get out of here before -insert blood curdling scream here-

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Okay, that's it for now. That was fun! Leave some reviews cuz I haven't had any in SO long. Just like me and sex. A-HA! HA! HA HA! Ahhhhhhh….. I'm serious.


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, my first request in a review from chapter 3 came in as Hao, and so, I will do one for Hao! In the immortal words of BisketsnWaffels: "He's always insane!" Well said, my brother. Well said. 

I do not own Shaman King you copyright bitches

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One fine day, the would-be Shaman King, Hao Asakura, was strolling along looking for things to do. He couldn't find much outside of the ordinary arson, or murdering a few poor saps who got in his way. After all,things become dull quickly when you're a murderer/pyromaniac/shaman/patch/pycho/crazy-super-more-powerful-than-Chuck-Norris-strong man. You just run out of things to do SO fast. So Hao decided he'd do something different. He would stop killing for a day just to see what it was like, and maybe Yoh's easygoing friendliness would rub off on him. So, Hao decided to climb a tree.

Hao got halfway up the tree before he realized that he could not reach the tall branches he needed to get to the top. This was actually pretty difficult without shamanic powers. He started to jump in order to try and reach the next branch and he did because Hao has mad hops. Unfortunately, Hao also has mad muscle mass, and the branch was not very sturdy and so, it snapped under his weight and Hao fell to the ground and broke his ass bone.

"Curses! I've broken my ass bone!" Hao yelled. "Curse you tree!" He exclaimed, setting it aflame. "Curse you gravity!" he yelled, firing multiple shots of fire into the air. "Curse you my rippling biceps!" He pointed his finger at his arm, and then realized what he was about to do. "Wait…. No…. I didn't think that through. I could never hurt you, my babies."Then Hao looked around and realized he had burned down the entire forest and all it's creatures. It waskind of like a redneck barbeque.Then he remembered he wasn't supposed to be like that today. He realized he needed to cool off, so he went to find something cold to eat.

As if on cue, and ice cream truck and it's resounding song, "doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…… da da doo doo da da da doo doo doo." came around the corner. "ICE CREAM!" Hao yelled happily. He was gonna get a bomb pop! He loved the bomb pops. The way they had not one, not two, but THREE different flavors of Popsicle goodness. The way you would slowly eat away the first layer and second layer one at a time to try not to damage the third layer, and then enjoy the third layer by itself. It was like a game! An edible game with a stick inside of it! Oh how he loved those bomb pops. Hao made his way up to the ice cream man.

"Well, what do you want?" Asked the ice cream man.

"I would like a Bomb Pop!" Hao exclaimed, happily smiling at the driver.

"Sorry kid, we're all out of Bomb Pops."

2.5 seconds later……

"I can NOT believe they were out!" Hao sighed sadly as he walked away from the burning wreckage of the ice cream truck. "I was all hyped up about it too, and…. Oops. Not again!" Hao smacked himself in the forehead and continued on. "I guess I'll just go back home and take a nap. This good guy stuff isn't my cup of tea." Hao thought to himself as he burned random animals on the trail. "All this acting good just really bums a guy out. Well, at least I did my part for the community. Those trees were blocking one of the best sites for sunset-watching. A-and that ice cream truck! The driver looked like a crack dealer to me! I just helped bring a criminal to justice! Maybe I am cut out for this after all! YES!" In his excitement, Hao didn't realize his fires had spun out of control and had burned down the whole city. He ran home in complete ecstasy.

Many people died that day in freak pyrotechnic accidents. Those who saw the culprit proclaimed him as a force of nature too powerful to be human. They named this entity……….murderer/pyromaniac/shaman/patch/pycho/crazy-super-more-powerful-than-Chuck-Norris-strong man!  
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Yup. Now Hao's a super villain. This little number was accomplished shortly after I woke up this morning at 11:00. I'm quite proud of myself. Nah, I'm kidding. This was done at the request for Hao-based stories from two reviewers: Schizophrenic Squirrel, and BisketsnWaffels! Hope you guys enjoy it! Not sure who to do next, so give me some ideas. Although... I'm leaning towards Faust right now.


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